We told the younger child this week while they were with us. I hadn't thought we'd be able to keep the secret until the wedding, not with the older one knowing and being so excited about it. And the way ended up being somewhat paved by the 6-year-old herself while I had her alone for the weekend. One of Bear's concerns was that she had not yet learned that people could have a baby without being married. But she ended up asking me exactly that over the weekend. And not because she suspected I was! She asked because "well, I want to be able to have kids someday, but I don't ever want to get married!" So we ended up getting into people having kids together without getting married, people using a friend to "provide the guy part," and going to a doctor "to get the guy part."
The kids are both thrilled and excited, and they keep asking if I'm ok and if Penguin is. When we saw them yesterday along with their mother, the younger one said goodbye to Penguin too when they left. I felt kinda bad for their mother with that. But not as bad as I would have if their mother hadn't been pumping the younger one for information over the phone about the wedding and about Penguin.
Now for the next big hurdle: The Ex. I'm scared to tell him, scared of him never wanting to speak to me again and thus completely cutting me off from contact with MY cats that I let him have. He already said because I got engaged to Bear that he doesn't want contact and asked me to step back from an event we had been running together (that I had been getting needed income from but that I wouldn't be able to do next year because of Penguin anyway), but he was willing to still allow some sort of contact with the cats. I have one friend that is also friends with him that sends me pics and updates when she visits him, but I don't want to put pressure on her to be the Official Cat News-Bearer. But also, The Ex was an ass to her over the weekend because he had a date that didn't go well and she was happy at an event they were both at with her new boyfriend. So on the heels of that, I'm even more nervous than I had been. But I feel like I need to tell him before the wedding, since the kids and their mother know and since we're starting to tell more people, even if we're not making the official announcement until closer to Christmas.
So yeah, we'll see how this goes.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Still Standing
Penguin still has a heartbeat is measuring right on track, and they haven't been able to identify any reason for the sporadic spotting, although Bear and I are supposed to abstain until I go two weeks without spotting. Um, yeah, about that....
Penguin was waving his or her hand in front of his or her face during the ultrasound, it was so cute! We wouldn't have actually gotten another ultrasound until 20 weeks, just heard the heartbeat in the exam room, but someone had coded today's appointment in the scheduler as a "confirm pregnancy" appointment instead of a normal monitoring appointment, so we got lucky.
We did have to tell the 9-year-old and bring him with us to the appointment. Apparently their school says kids can't come back after being sick until at least 24 hours after they throw up, and he hadn't kept lunch down the previous day, so we had to go back and get him right after dropping him off and dropping off their costumes at their mothers. (They did a little trick or treating with her and then came over to do it with us since it was our day with them.) He was excited and happy, though he did ask Bear whether Bear would still love him and his sister the most. However, later he expressed some concerns to Bear, especially about how it would be crowded and where Penguin would sleep (it's a two-bedroom apartment, so he already shares a room with his sister). He also said it felt really fast, which is something I've been worried about. We're not telling the 6-year-old yet. As part of The Talk, the 9-year-old has gotten the "sometimes people aren't married when they have a baby" part. The 6-year-old has not gotten that part yet, and so we're still going to try to hold off on telling her until after the wedding.
I did tonight have the first crash meeting of baby brain and pregnancy clumsiness. I've got the 6-year-old on my own all weekend because Bear is taking the 9-year-old on a Cub Scout campout. Families are welcome (and I really wanted to go because it's on a ship!!) but the 6-year-old has decided she no longer likes campouts (or anything where she could get dirty except cooking), so we're staying home. I was making dinner, and as I was draining something, the hot water splashed out of the sink and onto my stomach. I could have more easily gotten my shirt away from my skin, but it also splashed onto the waistband of my skirt, so the hot water was on there for a good minute before I could get it away from my skin. I've got 2 nice lines of burns on my tummy now that the initial redness has faded, and there's a small blister on the top line. I've been a first aider long enough to know what to do for burns, and I'm doing it, but I feel really dumb. Maybe it's a good thing that on the night I didn't make the dinner I made tonight, I was thinking of ordering pizza since we have a coupon. Apparently I can't be trusted in the kitchen! I'm also really glad that my stomach still looks just fat instead of pregnant since I had to walk around with it hanging out while I held a cold wet washcloth on it. I'm very glad I wasn't hurt worse while Bear is 5 1/2 hours away.
Penguin was waving his or her hand in front of his or her face during the ultrasound, it was so cute! We wouldn't have actually gotten another ultrasound until 20 weeks, just heard the heartbeat in the exam room, but someone had coded today's appointment in the scheduler as a "confirm pregnancy" appointment instead of a normal monitoring appointment, so we got lucky.
We did have to tell the 9-year-old and bring him with us to the appointment. Apparently their school says kids can't come back after being sick until at least 24 hours after they throw up, and he hadn't kept lunch down the previous day, so we had to go back and get him right after dropping him off and dropping off their costumes at their mothers. (They did a little trick or treating with her and then came over to do it with us since it was our day with them.) He was excited and happy, though he did ask Bear whether Bear would still love him and his sister the most. However, later he expressed some concerns to Bear, especially about how it would be crowded and where Penguin would sleep (it's a two-bedroom apartment, so he already shares a room with his sister). He also said it felt really fast, which is something I've been worried about. We're not telling the 6-year-old yet. As part of The Talk, the 9-year-old has gotten the "sometimes people aren't married when they have a baby" part. The 6-year-old has not gotten that part yet, and so we're still going to try to hold off on telling her until after the wedding.
I did tonight have the first crash meeting of baby brain and pregnancy clumsiness. I've got the 6-year-old on my own all weekend because Bear is taking the 9-year-old on a Cub Scout campout. Families are welcome (and I really wanted to go because it's on a ship!!) but the 6-year-old has decided she no longer likes campouts (or anything where she could get dirty except cooking), so we're staying home. I was making dinner, and as I was draining something, the hot water splashed out of the sink and onto my stomach. I could have more easily gotten my shirt away from my skin, but it also splashed onto the waistband of my skirt, so the hot water was on there for a good minute before I could get it away from my skin. I've got 2 nice lines of burns on my tummy now that the initial redness has faded, and there's a small blister on the top line. I've been a first aider long enough to know what to do for burns, and I'm doing it, but I feel really dumb. Maybe it's a good thing that on the night I didn't make the dinner I made tonight, I was thinking of ordering pizza since we have a coupon. Apparently I can't be trusted in the kitchen! I'm also really glad that my stomach still looks just fat instead of pregnant since I had to walk around with it hanging out while I held a cold wet washcloth on it. I'm very glad I wasn't hurt worse while Bear is 5 1/2 hours away.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Updatish
I know I've been a bad blogger. I've been so tired that I haven't been able to manage anything more than keeping up to date (kinda) with work paperwork. I want to go to sleep at 8 or 9 every night, but I still have a lot of work to do.
My next appointment is tomorrow morning. I don't think I'm going to be able to take a deep breath until I'm in the sonogram room with a good result. Almost everyone else that I've been close to weeks-wise in this journey has lost their baby. Two other friends (one real life and one bloggy) and I are the last ones standing that I know of. I think I'm still pregnant. I'm still queasy and gassy and my hips and lower back keep hurting and I'm SO tired and my breasts are still sensitive. Oh, yeah, and Bear could tell you that I'm moody as hell (although he's been VERY patient with me...I love this man!!!) But I can't get past the feeling that tomorrow we'll go in there and there will be no heartbeat and that I'm only still having symptoms because the hormone levels haven't dropped enough yet for them to go away.
I'll update after the appointment.
This could be interesting, though. The 9-year-old has the flu, and we have them tonight. (I haven't been able to get my flu shot yet, hoping I can get it tomorrow, so Bear has been having me keep away from him since he got his at work yesterday.) If he can't go to school in the morning, we'll have to take him with us. But we haven't told them yet. Bear thought we'd have to a couple of times because of me being sick, but we've managed to avoid it thus far. We're trying to wait until after the official wedding to tell them, give them one change to digest at a time. If we were already married so far as they knew, it would be different, I wouldn't worry about when to tell them or telling them early, but that's a LOT of change to spring on them all at once.
Bear told his ex this morning, without the kids there, that we had had a positive home test and that we were going to the doctor. His ex had asked if I was pregnant and if that's why we were getting married so quickly. And my mom had told us both that we should tell his ex before we tell the kids so she's not blindsided when they come back to her house talking about it. However, Bear did not say that the positive home test had been a month and a half ago. :-p
My next appointment is tomorrow morning. I don't think I'm going to be able to take a deep breath until I'm in the sonogram room with a good result. Almost everyone else that I've been close to weeks-wise in this journey has lost their baby. Two other friends (one real life and one bloggy) and I are the last ones standing that I know of. I think I'm still pregnant. I'm still queasy and gassy and my hips and lower back keep hurting and I'm SO tired and my breasts are still sensitive. Oh, yeah, and Bear could tell you that I'm moody as hell (although he's been VERY patient with me...I love this man!!!) But I can't get past the feeling that tomorrow we'll go in there and there will be no heartbeat and that I'm only still having symptoms because the hormone levels haven't dropped enough yet for them to go away.
I'll update after the appointment.
This could be interesting, though. The 9-year-old has the flu, and we have them tonight. (I haven't been able to get my flu shot yet, hoping I can get it tomorrow, so Bear has been having me keep away from him since he got his at work yesterday.) If he can't go to school in the morning, we'll have to take him with us. But we haven't told them yet. Bear thought we'd have to a couple of times because of me being sick, but we've managed to avoid it thus far. We're trying to wait until after the official wedding to tell them, give them one change to digest at a time. If we were already married so far as they knew, it would be different, I wouldn't worry about when to tell them or telling them early, but that's a LOT of change to spring on them all at once.
Bear told his ex this morning, without the kids there, that we had had a positive home test and that we were going to the doctor. His ex had asked if I was pregnant and if that's why we were getting married so quickly. And my mom had told us both that we should tell his ex before we tell the kids so she's not blindsided when they come back to her house talking about it. However, Bear did not say that the positive home test had been a month and a half ago. :-p
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
So scared
My oldest friend, who had been infertile with her ex-husband, had gotten pregnant with her new boyfriend a little over a month before me. She had told me before I was pregnant, or knew it, and while I was thrilled for her, I was also hurting, wondering if it would ever be me, especially since that made 2 close friends of mine who had been infertile with exes and then gotten pregnant quickly with boyfriends. She told me that she knew it would happen to me too. I told her last night about the Penguin...and found out that she lost her Meatball at 8 1/2 weeks, although she didn't find out until 11 weeks, which was 2 weeks ago.
I got online tonight to write this post, and I checked my reader. Hidden Infertility and I started following each other in September's ICLW because we were within a week of each other. She found out on Friday that she lost hers.
I'm so scared of losing the Penguin. Before Mass on Sunday, I got a call from my ex and found out that he's decided since I got engaged that he no longer wants any contact and wants me to step back from the event that we had been working on together, including right after we separated and right as the divorce proceedings were happening, without any problem. I also found out that some people who had been my friends have been really badmouthing me and Bear for being together. My self-confidence is pretty shaky at the best of times, and I was feeling like I wasn't worthy of anything. And then the homily was about sin and confession and all, and all I could think about was that my baby had been conceived in sin even as he or she was conceived in love, and I started being afraid of him or her being taken away as some sort of punishment. I don't tend to believe that God works that way, but I was feeling like I deserved punishment, and that melded with the fear that had been lurking in the back of my mind anyway.
I whispered to Bear how I was feeling, and he told me that he had already been thinking about asking the priest to pray for me and the baby, if I was ok with it. I told him it depended on how he felt about it, since it was much more his church, he's the one that really knows the priests, not me. So after Mass, we sent the kids to go use the restroom (we're not telling them yet, although Bear almost changed that and told them over the weekend since I had been too nauseous to go along on a Freecycle pickup) and went to talk to the priest. He prayed for me and the baby right there, but I'm still wondering what he thinks about it, since according to the Church, Bear's still married to his ex, and the priest doesn't even know about the courthouse wedding we had.
I'm getting scared about everything now. I was less nauseous today, and instead of being happy about it, I was scared that maybe I was less nauseous because I've lost the baby and don't even know it yet. I really wish I still had my appointment tomorrow, even as much as I know I need the money of working tomorrow afternoon, because I want to see the baby again and hear the heartbeat and know my baby is still alive inside me.
Tomorrow, I hit 8 weeks and therefore have a fetus. Or do I?
I got online tonight to write this post, and I checked my reader. Hidden Infertility and I started following each other in September's ICLW because we were within a week of each other. She found out on Friday that she lost hers.
I'm so scared of losing the Penguin. Before Mass on Sunday, I got a call from my ex and found out that he's decided since I got engaged that he no longer wants any contact and wants me to step back from the event that we had been working on together, including right after we separated and right as the divorce proceedings were happening, without any problem. I also found out that some people who had been my friends have been really badmouthing me and Bear for being together. My self-confidence is pretty shaky at the best of times, and I was feeling like I wasn't worthy of anything. And then the homily was about sin and confession and all, and all I could think about was that my baby had been conceived in sin even as he or she was conceived in love, and I started being afraid of him or her being taken away as some sort of punishment. I don't tend to believe that God works that way, but I was feeling like I deserved punishment, and that melded with the fear that had been lurking in the back of my mind anyway.
I whispered to Bear how I was feeling, and he told me that he had already been thinking about asking the priest to pray for me and the baby, if I was ok with it. I told him it depended on how he felt about it, since it was much more his church, he's the one that really knows the priests, not me. So after Mass, we sent the kids to go use the restroom (we're not telling them yet, although Bear almost changed that and told them over the weekend since I had been too nauseous to go along on a Freecycle pickup) and went to talk to the priest. He prayed for me and the baby right there, but I'm still wondering what he thinks about it, since according to the Church, Bear's still married to his ex, and the priest doesn't even know about the courthouse wedding we had.
I'm getting scared about everything now. I was less nauseous today, and instead of being happy about it, I was scared that maybe I was less nauseous because I've lost the baby and don't even know it yet. I really wish I still had my appointment tomorrow, even as much as I know I need the money of working tomorrow afternoon, because I want to see the baby again and hear the heartbeat and know my baby is still alive inside me.
Tomorrow, I hit 8 weeks and therefore have a fetus. Or do I?
Monday, September 30, 2013
Penguin is OK!!
I got in to see the midwife and have an ultrasound, and Penguin is just fine, and we got to hear the heartbeat!! Not ectopic, not a blighted ovum or chemical pregnancy, amniotic sac looks good, measuring right on track, and has a heartbeat. And we now have our first baby pictures. I never thought I'd see an ultrasound for MY baby.
The midwife said I shouldn't have played kickball yesterday and put me off of exercise for a few days. And far worse, no sex for four weeks, which feels like forever!! Still, it's worth anything for a healthy Penguin.
Scared
I'm having a little bit of spotting. I know it's normal to, but I'm still scared. I called the doctor, and the doctors were across the street at the hospital, seeing patients during lunch. The nurse said she'd beard the first doc to walk back in the door to ask if the wanted me to come in. Bear had me cancel my 12:30 client and wants me to cancel my 2:00 client as well (my last 2 of the day). I know I'm overreacting, especially since it's light, but damnit, I've never done this before and it's scary!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Progress and Stress
Sure, we can go with rhyming for our post titles, why not.
To start, Bear and I are going to the courthouse on Friday to get hitched for insurance purposes before doing the "real" wedding in mid-November. His HR department has assured him that my insurance will be active Tuesday of next week or so. Based on that, I called the OB/GYN recommended by a former coworker yesterday, and now I have an appointment for an ultrasound and initial appointment with a midwife on Wednesday, October 9, which is the day I hit 8 weeks. Bear's taking the afternoon off work to come with me, and I feel better about having gotten it scheduled (and avoiding further lecturing from a friend of mine).
On the stress side, money. Both money for having a "real" wedding while I'm struggling to get more hours at work and panicking today at the realization that because I'm a contractor instead of an employee at all 3 of my jobs, I get no maternity leave. And there's not really a hope of that contractor status changing with any of them because of the way the mental health industry is structured in Georgia. Basically all of the jobs are contract jobs so that the employers don't have to pay benefits or vacation or insurance or even a steady salary, it's all based on how many clients you can see. I don't want to have to, say, give birth and then go back to work the next Monday, but I may have to, I may not have a choice!
So yeah, I'm stressing. Bear's telling me not to push so hard, especially since I pushed myself last night to the point where I was shaking and had blurry vision, trying to unpack and move more things around in the apartment. But I have to push so hard, because if I want any kind of maternity leave, it's going to come form pushing myself so hard now so that I have money saved.
To start, Bear and I are going to the courthouse on Friday to get hitched for insurance purposes before doing the "real" wedding in mid-November. His HR department has assured him that my insurance will be active Tuesday of next week or so. Based on that, I called the OB/GYN recommended by a former coworker yesterday, and now I have an appointment for an ultrasound and initial appointment with a midwife on Wednesday, October 9, which is the day I hit 8 weeks. Bear's taking the afternoon off work to come with me, and I feel better about having gotten it scheduled (and avoiding further lecturing from a friend of mine).
On the stress side, money. Both money for having a "real" wedding while I'm struggling to get more hours at work and panicking today at the realization that because I'm a contractor instead of an employee at all 3 of my jobs, I get no maternity leave. And there's not really a hope of that contractor status changing with any of them because of the way the mental health industry is structured in Georgia. Basically all of the jobs are contract jobs so that the employers don't have to pay benefits or vacation or insurance or even a steady salary, it's all based on how many clients you can see. I don't want to have to, say, give birth and then go back to work the next Monday, but I may have to, I may not have a choice!
So yeah, I'm stressing. Bear's telling me not to push so hard, especially since I pushed myself last night to the point where I was shaking and had blurry vision, trying to unpack and move more things around in the apartment. But I have to push so hard, because if I want any kind of maternity leave, it's going to come form pushing myself so hard now so that I have money saved.
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