Tuesday, October 8, 2013

So scared

My oldest friend, who had been infertile with her ex-husband, had gotten pregnant with her new boyfriend a little over a month before me.  She had told me before I was pregnant, or knew it, and while I was thrilled for her, I was also hurting, wondering if it would ever be me, especially since that made 2 close friends of mine who had been infertile with exes and then gotten pregnant quickly with boyfriends.  She told me that she knew it would happen to me too.  I told her last night about the Penguin...and found out that she lost her Meatball at 8 1/2 weeks, although she didn't find out until 11 weeks, which was 2 weeks ago.

I got online tonight to write this post, and I checked my reader.  Hidden Infertility and I started following each other in September's ICLW because we were within a week of each other.  She found out on Friday that she lost hers.

I'm so scared of losing the Penguin.  Before Mass on Sunday, I got a call from my ex and found out that he's decided since I got engaged that he no longer wants any contact and wants me to step back from the event that we had been working on together, including right after we separated and right as the divorce proceedings were happening, without any problem.  I also found out that some people who had been my friends have been really badmouthing me and Bear for being together.  My self-confidence is pretty shaky at the best of times, and I was feeling like I wasn't worthy of anything.  And then the homily was about sin and confession and all, and all I could think about was that my baby had been conceived in sin even as he or she was conceived in love, and I started being afraid of him or her being taken away as some sort of punishment.  I don't tend to believe that God works that way, but I was feeling like I deserved punishment, and that melded with the fear that had been lurking in the back of my mind anyway.

I whispered to Bear how I was feeling, and he told me that he had already been thinking about asking the priest to pray for me and the baby, if I was ok with it.  I told him it depended on how he felt about it, since it was much more his church, he's the one that really knows the priests, not me.  So after Mass, we sent the kids to go use the restroom (we're not telling them yet, although Bear almost changed that and told them over the weekend since I had been too nauseous to go along on a Freecycle pickup) and went to talk to the priest.  He prayed for me and the baby right there, but I'm still wondering what he thinks about it, since according to the Church, Bear's still married to his ex, and the priest doesn't even know about the courthouse wedding we had.

I'm getting scared about everything now.  I was less nauseous today, and instead of being happy about it, I was scared that maybe I was less nauseous because I've lost the baby and don't even know it yet.  I really wish I still had my appointment tomorrow, even as much as I know I need the money of working tomorrow afternoon, because I want to see the baby again and hear the heartbeat and know my baby is still alive inside me.

Tomorrow, I hit 8 weeks and therefore have a fetus.  Or do I?

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