Tuesday, August 20, 2013

ICLW Intro

Hey, guys, nice to meet you!  I may have seen some of you before at my other blog, but I started a new one so that I had a place where I could talk openly, where my real life friends can't see it and talk.  I've left messages for a couple of y'all, because I want to still be connected to the bloggers I knew before.  I'm not trying to hide from the ALI community!  I just need a place where I can talk about TTC and not yet being a stepmom.

I guess the biggest descriptor for me and for my circumstances at this point is not having a neat box to fit into.  I'm not divorced yet (checking the mail and the court website every day waiting for the final decree to be processed).  I'm not a stepmom yet, I'm "Daddy's girlfriend," and as much as my boyfriend Bear tries to tell me that I am something real to them, I feel like I'm not because I have no real status.  It'll make a big difference when we get married, but we're not yet.  I'm not a wife.  I'm not even a fiancee yet, even though Bear and I are wanting to get married before the end of the year.  I'm not a mother. 

But I don't even know if I'm an infertile now, I don't fit into a neat ALI box either.  When I was with my ex, we had unexplained IF.  So I don't know if it's my fault.  I don't know if I'm infertile without him.  Bear and I have just started TTC last month, because we don't want to wait any more.  We both want a child, and we don't want to spend months not trying for what we want so badly. 

But whether I'm a "real" infertile or not, I have the feelings of being one.  I have the heart that is still broken in a million pieces.  Those pieces heal some when Bear's children follow me around or tell me they want me there or say "I love you both" at bedtime.  But those pieces also show how jagged they still are, slicing me six ways to Sunday when I see a baby or when one of my friends announces her pregnancy or even when Bear talks about when his kids were babies, because I doubt I'll ever hear him talking about our child that way or see him doing the things with our child that he did with the two he has already.

So I don't know where I fit in.  The only blogger I knew who was a step-parent has stopped writing.  Two of my close real life friends with IF, one of whom I've been friends with since the cradle, left their husbands and now are pregnant or have a baby with someone new, both unexpectedly.  The one I've been friends with forever has been a step-parent while infertile, but I don't want to burden her with my feelings while she's newly pregnant and excited and scared.  The other one will be a step-parent once she marries her baby's father, but she won't have ever been a "Daddy's girlfriend" or stepmom without a baby of her own, since she got pregnant right away.  But I don't, can't, think that will ever be me.  That kind of thing only happens to other people.

So yeah, I need to be able to talk.  And I want to be able to talk TO someone, not just out into the ether where no one's there.   So welcome!  Come have a cupcake or a biscuit or whatever I've been baking lately, and we;ll chat.


  1. Hi from ICLW...I hope that you find out that you are not infertile

  2. Hi there from ICLW. Transitions are tough. Regardless of what box you fit into, we all have the same goal of becoming a mother and can benefit from the support of each other. Hugs.

  3. Hi and thanks for the introduction. I like the way you talk. The past few months I have been writing to myself with no audience. I found that quite challenging. This month I joined the ICLW (though I've been following it for over a year) and the idea that others will read my thoughts is scary. I haven't invited interaction. I love that you're looking for a conversation. I aspire to that.
    I'll drop by for a chat and some baked goods when I can.

  4. I've been there! I married my husband 6 years ago when he had a 5 year old...and a vasectomy. His reversal didn't work so we knew very early we'd have to do IVF for a baby. It was hard being a parent but not really. I mean my DSD had a mom that she spent 50% of the time with. Our first IVF worked and I had a son, which was so healing. But trying for number 2 took 7 more fresh/frozen cycles. It was awful. But we now have two awesome little brothers for my DSD.

    1. I'm so glad to find someone else in the same boat as me!! I love my two, but it's hard not being anything real to them and it's hard when I hear Bear talk about when they were babies because I don't know if I'll ever get to see him like that with our baby.

      I'm REALLY glad that Bear had said no when his ex wanted him to get a vasectomy. My dad had had one before he and my mom split, and it was thanks to a reversal and IUI that I have a half-sister, but they didn't think it had worked for a long time.

  5. Hi J, I truly hope that you and Bear will get a child in an easy way. Me too, I love the way you talk. Hugs!