I Think I Need More Milkshakes

OK, first for a little fun, one of my favorite songs: The Milkshake Song, by Angry Salad

I've never had trouble gaining weight before, that's for sure!!  Weight has always been a struggle for me, I've always been, or at least felt like, The Fat Girl.  When I had been so unhappy in my former marriage, I had gained 50 pounds (that, thank goodness, I lost in 2012).  I've been worried all through this pregnancy about not gaining too much weight, especially since there's a family history of diabetes and it started in my mom when she had GD with my younger brother. 

My goal is to end up at 15 pounds over my start weight.  My midwife said that with my weight, her goal for me was 20-25 pounds, but she didn't object to me aiming for 15 instead.  Besides, if I aim for 15 and gain more than I had planned, then I still end up around my midwife's goal, whereas if I aim for her goal and miss, I'm gaining too much weight.

But now I'm at 22 1/2 weeks and I'm still below my start weight by a couple pounds. I had lost 15 during the first trimester from being so sick, and I still haven't gained all of it back now that I can eat again.  Penguin's (no, we still don't have a name for him yet) been measuring on track at each appointment, but I want to make sure he keeps growing like he needs to.  I've been bouncing back and forth within a couple of pounds for the past couple weeks.  This past week I've been fighting off a nasty cold, and it's been messing with my appetite.  I realized at 5:00 this evening as I woke up from a nap that all I had had today was a Fiber One bar and three cookies. 

So yeah, I think I need more milkshakes.  I think I can handle that.

Emotionally Drained

I know, I haven't written in what feels like forever.  I've been constantly tired and drained lately, and all of my energy has been going to work, volunteer stuff I'm committed to, and to the Bears.  I'll write an update on Penguin later, but he is doing fine.  Yes, he, but we'll get into that later.  For now, I need to talk about my mom.

If you may remember, I said one of the last time I wrote about my mom needing a biopsy.  Well, there was good news and bad news from it.  The good news is that it does not seem to be spreading within her body and that it is of the squamous cells, which is a type that generally does not spread to other parts of the body. 

The bad news is that it is definitely cancer and that it is growing out from her body, badly.  I went to her oncologist appointment yesterday since Bear and I were back home for a couple days, and I was there when she showed it to the doctor, and it was bad to see.  It wasn't that I was seeing my mom's equipment, it's that it's in *really* bad shape.  To top it off, she's down to 108 pounds even before starting the chemo and radiation.

She's starting next week with radiation 5 days a week for 7 weeks, with chemo one day a week as a booster to augment the effect of the radiation.  They're also adding morphine to her pain management.  Yeah, I'm scared.

It's killing me not to be home with her through this, to be 700 miles away.  I don't know what I'd be doing without Bear, though.  I was able to get through yesterday's appointment and through church on Sunday without crying until after I was away from her only because I had him for support.  And I also don't know what I'd be doing if not for my church family.  One of the women at church, who is just like my mom in personality, has the freedom right now and has offered to drive Mom for appointments, despite them being an hour away.  And the church has said that they will be her backup and help out with anything she can't do.  This church has been our home and our family since I was about 2.  I'd trust them with anything, and I feel safe with Mom being in their hands.  But I still should be there.