I Think I Need More Milkshakes

OK, first for a little fun, one of my favorite songs: The Milkshake Song, by Angry Salad

I've never had trouble gaining weight before, that's for sure!!  Weight has always been a struggle for me, I've always been, or at least felt like, The Fat Girl.  When I had been so unhappy in my former marriage, I had gained 50 pounds (that, thank goodness, I lost in 2012).  I've been worried all through this pregnancy about not gaining too much weight, especially since there's a family history of diabetes and it started in my mom when she had GD with my younger brother. 

My goal is to end up at 15 pounds over my start weight.  My midwife said that with my weight, her goal for me was 20-25 pounds, but she didn't object to me aiming for 15 instead.  Besides, if I aim for 15 and gain more than I had planned, then I still end up around my midwife's goal, whereas if I aim for her goal and miss, I'm gaining too much weight.

But now I'm at 22 1/2 weeks and I'm still below my start weight by a couple pounds. I had lost 15 during the first trimester from being so sick, and I still haven't gained all of it back now that I can eat again.  Penguin's (no, we still don't have a name for him yet) been measuring on track at each appointment, but I want to make sure he keeps growing like he needs to.  I've been bouncing back and forth within a couple of pounds for the past couple weeks.  This past week I've been fighting off a nasty cold, and it's been messing with my appetite.  I realized at 5:00 this evening as I woke up from a nap that all I had had today was a Fiber One bar and three cookies. 

So yeah, I think I need more milkshakes.  I think I can handle that.

Emotionally Drained

I know, I haven't written in what feels like forever.  I've been constantly tired and drained lately, and all of my energy has been going to work, volunteer stuff I'm committed to, and to the Bears.  I'll write an update on Penguin later, but he is doing fine.  Yes, he, but we'll get into that later.  For now, I need to talk about my mom.

If you may remember, I said one of the last time I wrote about my mom needing a biopsy.  Well, there was good news and bad news from it.  The good news is that it does not seem to be spreading within her body and that it is of the squamous cells, which is a type that generally does not spread to other parts of the body. 

The bad news is that it is definitely cancer and that it is growing out from her body, badly.  I went to her oncologist appointment yesterday since Bear and I were back home for a couple days, and I was there when she showed it to the doctor, and it was bad to see.  It wasn't that I was seeing my mom's equipment, it's that it's in *really* bad shape.  To top it off, she's down to 108 pounds even before starting the chemo and radiation.

She's starting next week with radiation 5 days a week for 7 weeks, with chemo one day a week as a booster to augment the effect of the radiation.  They're also adding morphine to her pain management.  Yeah, I'm scared.

It's killing me not to be home with her through this, to be 700 miles away.  I don't know what I'd be doing without Bear, though.  I was able to get through yesterday's appointment and through church on Sunday without crying until after I was away from her only because I had him for support.  And I also don't know what I'd be doing if not for my church family.  One of the women at church, who is just like my mom in personality, has the freedom right now and has offered to drive Mom for appointments, despite them being an hour away.  And the church has said that they will be her backup and help out with anything she can't do.  This church has been our home and our family since I was about 2.  I'd trust them with anything, and I feel safe with Mom being in their hands.  But I still should be there.

The Energizer J Keeps Growing and Growing and Growing and...

Not much in weight, fortunately.  I am starting to gain a little weight back, but at a reasonable weight...I've been hovering within 2 pounds this week that's up 2-4 pounds from before Thanksgiving.  I can handle that.  Even with the weight I lost in the first trimester, I'm trying to be VERY careful about how much I gain because I know I'm starting out overweight and there's a family history of diabetes on my mom's side getting worse every generation.  I was pleasantly surprised, though, that my midwife said I don't fall into the high risk category to be tested for GD before 24 weeks!!  She also gave me more leeway than I had been giving myself in how much weight I gain.  I've been aiming for only 15 pounds over my original weight, and she said I would be fine with 20-25.  She didn't tell me that 15 was too little, though, so I'm still going to aim for 15 so that if I'm off from that I still hopefully end up in the 20-25 pound range.

I am growing and changing more in clothes, though.  I still don't think I'm really showing, but at the same time, I don't know how much the BeBand is going to help with my current pants over time.  I was wearing my main pair of jeans on Saturday with the BeBand and I realized that when I pulled them up all the way, they were tight below where the zipper ended and thus below where the BeBand could help.  So we'll be starting to shop for maternity clothes in the next week or so.  Bear did at least find out about a maternity consignment store nearby, so we're going to try there first.

Not much of any more news about my mom.  She doesn't have insurance, so she's applied for a charity that has a cardiologist (since the one she's getting treatment from now does not) so she can try to get cleared for the biopsy. 

Stunned and in Denial

No, it's not Penguin, Penguin's fine.  It's my mom.  I talked to her last night, and it turns out she's kinda been avoiding me because she had news she didn't want to tell me.  There's a medical problem that I've known about that had seemed to be stable for several years.  Now, the doctors are using the C word.  But they don't know for sure.  They need to do a biopsy to see.  But they can't do the biopsy yet because Mom isn't cleared for surgery.  Apparently, on top of everything else, she has an enlarged heart, and because of that, they can't clear her for surgery.  When she first went in about this problem, the doctors gave her Tramodol.  For those who aren't familiar, it's a nonaddictive lightweight pain medication.  As of earlier this week, she's now on oxys every 4 hours.  That scares me.  I'm kinda bouncing back and forth between scared and not feeling like it's real.  I know people lose their parents at this age or well before, but even though I know her health hasn't been great, I didn't expect this.

Skating Along Towards Winter

I haven't had the energy to post much of anything lately!  Even though I'm out of the first trimester now, I still feel tired all the time and like all my energy is drained by work.  It seems I've finally turned a corner on nausea over the weekend and was able to eat well on my birthday.  Good thing, since Thanksgiving is one of my very favorite holidays!  We had our 15 week appointment today, and Penguin is going strong, with a heartbeat about 140 bpm.  Next appointment is December 26, and for our Christmas present, we get the gender reveal if Penguin wants to cooperate!

The other big thing has been the wedding.  We had the public wedding on November 17.  It was rainy, but it held off to a drizzle for the ceremony, good thing since it was an outdoor ceremony!  Sister Bear (my friend Katie suggested that the kids need blog names, and suggested Brother Bear and Sister Bear.  Brother Bear is older, and there is a Baby Bear in the books, so, sold!) hadn't been too keen on the idea of an outdoor wedding, but I didn't really know how to tell her it couldn't be in the church because Mommy and Daddy are Catholic and divorced.

Oh, yeah, and we meet with the head priest at the church on Friday about getting both of our marriages annulled so we can get married as far as the Church is concerned.  Mine should actually be easy, since The Ex and I could not have children without means that the Church deems unacceptable.  We'll see about Bear's.

Oh, and I forgot to tell y'all how telling The Ex went.  It actually went well!  He said that he was happy for me, and it didn't actually seem like "let me just say something nice to get her off the phone," because then we ended up chatting for an hour more.  This from the person that said he didn't want any more contact with me after we got engaged.  Whatever, I'll take it and go with the flow.  I'm just relieved that it wasn't painful.

Wishing I Still Had My Fat Pants

Today was the first time I had to unbutton my jeans and go around with them that way (with my shirt pulled down, and Bear suggested I tie my fleece around my waist to keep it all together).  I didn't keep much of anything as I lost 50 pounds in 2012 because I was so proud of myself for losing the weight and didn't intend to ever need the larger clothes again.  But now I wish I had kept more of it so that I had more transition clothes for before I'm ready for maternity clothes (or able to afford maternity clothes).  I might need to get one of those bands to hold unbuttoned pants up.  I did have gas, so I don't know how well the pants will fit when I don't, but they did feel kinda tight on Saturday, when I didn't have gas, so maybe it was more than just gas, maybe I am starting to actually show a teensy tiny bit or something crazy like that.

So now I'm looking at maternity clothes on Target and Wal-Mart's websites.  I thought I'd never have a reason to do that.  Wow.

Sharing the News

We told the younger child this week while they were with us.  I hadn't thought we'd be able to keep the secret until the wedding, not with the older one knowing and being so excited about it.  And the way ended up being somewhat paved by the 6-year-old herself while I had her alone for the weekend.  One of Bear's concerns was that she had not yet learned that people could have a baby without being married.  But she ended up asking me exactly that over the weekend.  And not because she suspected I was!  She asked because "well, I want to be able to have kids someday, but I don't ever want to get married!"  So we ended up getting into people having kids together without getting married, people using a friend to "provide the guy part," and going to a doctor "to get the guy part."

The kids are both thrilled and excited, and they keep asking if I'm ok and if Penguin is.  When we saw them yesterday along with their mother, the younger one said goodbye to Penguin too when they left.  I felt kinda bad for their mother with that.  But not as bad as I would have if their mother hadn't been pumping the younger one for information over the phone about the wedding and about Penguin.

Now for the next big hurdle: The Ex.  I'm scared to tell him, scared of him never wanting to speak to me again and thus completely cutting me off from contact with MY cats that I let him have.  He already said because I got engaged to Bear that he doesn't want contact and asked me to step back from an event we had been running together (that I had been getting needed income from but that I wouldn't be able to do next year because of Penguin anyway), but he was willing to still allow some sort of contact with the cats.  I have one friend that is also friends with him that sends me pics and updates when she visits him, but I don't want to put pressure on her to be the Official Cat News-Bearer.  But also, The Ex was an ass to her over the weekend because he had a date that didn't go well and she was happy at an event they were both at with her new boyfriend.  So on the heels of that, I'm even more nervous than I had been.  But I feel like I need to tell him before the wedding, since the kids and their mother know and since we're starting to tell more people, even if we're not making the official announcement until closer to Christmas.

So yeah, we'll see how this goes.